WHAT surprises me about The Voice – or The Voice UK, as absolutely no one is calling it – is the fact that TV executives were prepared to bid silly money for the rights.
I mean, it’s a perfectly OK show, it really is. And bear in mind I’d been determined beforehand to hate it. You know, being the open-minded kind of guy I am.
But when I’m reminded that the format has been a colossal ratings smash in something like a billion-and-one countries, I can’t help but ask myself: “Is it just me?”
It’s not as if these execs were bidding for something really important, like the recipe for Coca-Cola or Colonel Sanders’ secret blend of herbs and spices. Obviously those are the sort of things that WOULD have been worth paying mental amounts of money for, or possibly even handing over a minor body organ.
Maybe I’m being naive, but in the end isn’t it just another run-of-the-mill singing contest? Sure, it’s got its unique selling point to begin with – namely, the blind auditions via which the warbling wannabes are initially whittled down. But then what? After that, unless I’m missing the point (which has been known, I grant you), it all becomes a bit so-whatty. You either do or don’t give a flying toss about the contestants.
And if you do something truly deranged, such as pick up the phone, once the live shows begin, and spend your hard-earned money actually voting for these people, you’ll be perusing your itemised phone bill a few weeks later with the same crushing sense of shame and bewilderment you experience after an ill-advised night on the lash.
What’s so barmy is that, with just a wee bit of imagination, those same TV executives could surely have dreamed up a new talent show format of their own, saving themselves a small fortune in the process.
It’s not as if this is a particularly tricky process.
For example, how about The Face UK?
It would work like this:
In front of four celebrity ‘mentors’ – including the obligatory Irish guy, a shouty 60s veteran, a token Yank with a punchably affected name and an overrated contemporary chart star with a big gob and Lego hair – a succession of would-be singing stars would file onto the stage. But rather than witnessing the audition in the conventional manner, the mentors would have to wear earplugs. That way, although they’d be able to know what these performers looked like, they’d have no idea whether they sang like angels or made a noise like a harpooned whale.
They’d have to decide, based on looks alone, whether each act was worth taking under their wing. And, just as important, they wouldn’t be allowed to dump any performer if he or she turned out to be tone-deaf.
See, it’s already a way better idea than The Voice, isn’t it? It’s got oodles of scope for entertainment – eg. the talented ones who never make it because they look like horses, the rubbish ones who miraculously get transformed into singing superstars. In fact, the more I think about this ingenious format, the more I should be kicking my stupid self for revealing it on this page. What an idiot I am. This is TV gold.
But hey, what the hell.
Now that I’m on a creative roll, how about I give you another of my brilliant new TV ideas? How about – wait for it – Britain’s Goat Talent, in which four celebrity judges audition a series of talented farmyard animals?
Goats that produce cheese! Goats whose coats make luxury sweaters! Goats who end up as tasty curries!
Yeah, OK – perhaps I should’ve quit while I was ahead…
* Read Mike every day in the Daily Star and every weekend in the Daily Express Saturday magazine. You can hear him on talkSPORT every Monday at 3.15pm with Hawksbee & Jacobs and every Thursday at midnight with Andy Goldstein.
Mike Ward on TV 
I’ve finally worked out what I don’t like about The Voice (uk) and why it won’t ever trump the X-Factor for me. It’s that it appeals to our better nature; to our kinder, more gentle side. It’s just plain NICER, and this is what the BBC trumpets so loudly.
But nicer is also more boring. Fact is we all secretly enjoy judging people the moment they walk onto the stage from the comfort of our living rooms whilst stuffing our faces with a Wispa Duo.
And we enjoy Simon Cowell doing it, and David Walliams, and Amanda and Alesha. And then when it turns out that someone can be UGLY, and yes, incredible isn’t it, actually sing, we enjoy that transformation as well.
Within the format there are flaws, as you’ve pointed out Mike: The ‘what next’ after the blind auditions being the biggie; the horsetrading between judges when all four have turned is really, really tedious; and then the whole thing is on too long.
But ultimately the BBC’s great new hope won’t ever topple the X-Factor because talent shows require brutal failure as well as success for our viewing pleasure, and the BBC have denied us that. It’s just too…well, too BBC.